Every three months I am supposed to go for a check to see if I am healthy and the cancer cells are not present in my body. I do not think of it for 2 months and three weeks. It is until three days before my appointment that the thought of it invades my mind. It is incredible to me that I can be so strong for two months and three weeks and the thought of finding something wrong brings me down to my knees in fear that something may go wrong. For those three days, it doesn’t take much for me to doubt my health.
I went for my check-up two days ago. My blood was clean and my health is good. The Dr. told me everything looks great. Deep inside I knew this because I am following my spiritual program, my food plan, and my exercise routine. I am always filling up myself with positive energy and I am always mindful to let go of any negative energy that wants to accumulate in my mind and body. So Why do I end up full of doubt when I know I am doing everything I can to keep healthy?
I notice that my doubt increases when I have to tell someone else that I have to go for a check-up. The expectation of the other person’s response fills me with doubt and somehow shame that I have to declare that I feel strong and healthy because I feel like my integrity is in question. It feels like I haven’t done my part to keep healthy so I do not deserve it. When I realized this “undeserving” attitude during my meditation this morning, I decided to remove it from my spirit, soul and body. Somewhere deep inside of me this “undeserving” attitude took dwell in me most likely because I felt someone planted the seed of shame, that I was not good enough to receive good things. This is where the doubt enters the picture and assaults and steals the good work I have done.
The good news is that you, me and every human being on earth deserves to get good things, including health because we are made out of Light and the Light doesn’t allow darkness in its presence. Doubt, shame, and “undeserving” thoughts are not light so they only exist when fear is present. So how can doubt leave me when it hits my mind?
I started the process of cleansing this “undeserving” attitude by being grateful about being light. As the light shines through me when I am full of positive energy, I delight in the fact that my body and mind belong to the Light and there is no darkness in me. Therefore, no doubt, fear or shame can survive. In other words, the Light is like disinfectant, whenever I am immersed in it, no negative energy, no fear, doubt or shame can dwell inside of me. For this I am very grateful.
I am also grateful that the doubt’s purpose is to strengthen my relationship with myself and with the Light. And by loving myself, I strengthen that relationship. And when doubt shows at my door, I do not engage with it. Instead, I accept that I cannot stop doubt and shame from showing at my door, but I also accept and delight on the fact that saying a little prayer for love and peace is better than engaging with a virus of negative energy.
I am also grateful that I am aware of this “undeserving” thoughts because now I can start loving myself by accepting the fact that I am lovable, and deserving of health, happiness and every single good thing under the sun.